-----

“Must you talk about yourself again, Captain?” asked one of his knights.

“Of course!” the Knight-Captain bellowed. “You would too if you thought that you had anything worth talking about... which, well, in my very own case, is far more than you have, you swaggering ponce! I am, after all, no man more alive! Indeed, no man alive at all if not - by a gift of the gods - alive as Ser Qasca of Qohor, Knight-Captain of the Holy Hundred, and hammer of squid, fire, and tree lovers from the heathen whores of Dorne to the shivering sap-suckers of the North!”

The knight pointed at him accusingly. “You’re no man alive if not a drunk.”

“Alas!” he cried before taking a swig of wine. “How these sinners do conjure up a thirst!”

Appearance
“Now,” began Qasca in a mock-serious manner, his brown eyes widening. “It has come to my attention in, ah, recent times - say about… some forty-nine years? - that I am ugly. How truly terrible must these judges of my fine, handsome physique be not to see it!? How lacking in taste must the sculptors of our artistically destitute city be not to use me as their muse!? How faithless must the naysayers be not to say instead that I, Qasca the Faithful, am as beautifully formed by the gods as the oh, so perfect, ever-clucking, scale-feathered coop of inbred chickens that is our royal family!?”

He chuckled, dropping the false indignancy. “It is because -” he said cheerfully, pulling a tuft of greasy hair right off of his head “- my curls roll across the desert that is my scalp like tumbleweeds. It is because -” he said jollily, barring his crooked, yellow set of teeth “- my mouth flies the colors of the Golden Company on its very gums. It is because -” he said merrily, uncovering his scarred belly and drumming it with his hands “- my flesh is starting to hang about me like a loosened noose. Do I not decay? Have I not made it to my evening years? Pah! God has preserved this slowly rotting sack of meat of mine with a world of salt! Who cares that I am ugly, so long as I live to say ‘damn you’ in return!”